Paddy Gone Wild

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How to tell if an Expat has been in Maun for awhile

They can maintain a conversation with a Motswana by mere grunts for two minutes, words are for the weak! They know when Woolworth's gets their weekly delivery and they are not afraid to fight to the death with a Maun mommy over schnitzels or cherry tomatoes When opening the local sparkling water it does not squirt all over you. This test dates back to when the Bushmen needed to determine if someone was from the area or not, this is why you always see them running away (from the exploding sparkling water) in the bushman paintings They hold hands when speaking to a Motswana They have acquired the one handed mosquito catch skill, a skill to have when your other hand is preoccupied (with holding another guy's hand, with catching another mosquito or you're just too lazy to lift up your other hand) Their driving technique has been finely adapted to the animal hazards on the road. When seeing stray dogs you hover your foot over the brake pedal, you maintain speed when

The Scab Booger Cycle

Some say this may be the most ground breaking scientific discovery of the century, some say, "Shut up Pat, your genius and well thought out ideas are not welcome here". All I know is that I have been conducting extensive research the past few months, putting my body on the line for scientific discovery and I present to you the Scab Booger cycle. Step one : Scabelopment Combine a dusty, dry and hot climate to get booger to an adequate size (not so big that it has its own gravitational force) so it attaches itself to the inside skin of the nose. Be careful not to let booger work its way into your frontal lobe. !!!WARNING!!! This blog does not condone frontal lobe boogering and should be left to the professionals. Step two : Pickerage/Diamond exploration/I'm actually doing research and not picking my nose step A sterilized finger or a pair of tweezers, equivalent to nostril size should be sent on a reconnaissance mission at least twice a day to test for size and side nostri

Stuck in the Kalahari with Nowhere to "go"

George was ferried by plane to an airstrip in the Kalahari Desert to transport a different plane back to Maun. However he had to wait three hours on the ground in the middle of the Kalahari for said plane. George being the forward thinking guy that he is, decided to pack some biltong and mango roll snacks. He neglected to think of a situation where he would have to "go", presuming that the five star accommodation would have facilities at the airstrip. This situation crept up on him in the second hour and that's when he decided to make the 1km walk up and down the airstrip looking for some sort of facilities, clenching the entire way. Needless to say, there were none. As he was walking back to one of the parked aircraft, the mango roll came to haunt him and he had to bolt into the bushes. Looking around at the acacia trees as a toilet paper alternative, he decided against it. He emerged from the bushes, professional pilot up top and no pants party down below. He made his

How to camp in Botswana

Just a few notes for when camping and game viewing in Botswana: First things first, you actually need to be in Botswana and not just in a sauna with donkey noises playing in the background. Next up, is your trusty stead. It should be able to handle thick sand and water. No, not your company's work vehicle that could bottom out on sand and leave you trying to dig it out with sticks and your hands (Totally didn't happen to me in the Kasane game reserve right next to a sign that said 4x4 vehicles only). A tent or your own fold out palace with tv, wifi and a generator to power a small city is recommended. Food! 1kg of biltong per person per day (none of this sharing your snacks rubbish). Coffee and rusks - it is a well known fact that the smell of coffee attracts predators and so when you hear your alarm go off at 3 in the morning you need that extra bit of motivation to get up. Meat - Viennas for lunch, steak for dinner. Viennas can also be used to put under your fellow campers t

My Man Satchel

The Bag : made in a khaki colour for easy camouflage Ticket book : Used for beating silly passengers who forget their tickets Headset Bag : For passengers to step onto to remove dirt from their shoes Knee board : Particularly useful for writing on to play hangman with other pilots over the radio and doubles as a sun visor Leather man : because you ain't a man unless you have a leatherman. Place on belt to gain 2 extra man points immediately Map : Spare hangman paper Cloth : Underpants filler Handheld GPS : Use when map is covered in hangman drawings Reflector Vest : You never know when a lumo party may break out Radio : Nose picker Satellite Phone : For ordering pizza to be delivered in the middle of the kalahari Headset : Ear warmers for chilly days Passport : gives automatic humour about politics License : Hangman paper! Sunglasses : Sleeping shades Fuel Strainer : Fuel shot glass to give you a kick in the morning

Top 5 Things Guest Say

Just a list of things guests say before getting on small aircraft and the pilot's usual sarcastic replies 1.)Is this your first flight? Yip, let's see how it goes hey 2.)Does this plane have a parachute? Yes, but unfortunately only under the pilot's seat 3.)Do you know where you're going? Not a clue, let's just take off and hope for the best 4.)Will you be serving in flight snacks? Yes, you can feast your eyes on the beautiful views outside 5.)Can I fly the plane? You might have to if I fall asleep Nope, I haven't just devoured an entire Impala How to handle the heat in Maun Old and Trembleys hiding from a Dust Devil